Feeling a Little Psychotic

In the past week I have noticed a big leap in my spanish. I am actually starting to think in the spanish without consciously trying to. Sometimes I'll be thinking about something in English and parts will slip into Spanish. Other times just weird random things pop up in Spanish. Even other times I'll be writing or typing in English and certain portions will end up written in Spanish.

Certainly I am so happy that I can now say many things in Spanish without rehearsing and structuring in my head first. But the problem lies in the fact that I now feel like there is this strange voice in my head. It doesn't sound like my voice. It doesn't quite belong there yet.

So by the end of the day it starts to make me feel a little anxious. I just want my mind to settle and stop racing as it does when these two voices are competing to be heard. I feel somewhat like there are two personalities inside me battling to get out.

Luckily there are super affordable yoga classes here in the evenings. I need to give my brain a rest and just breath for a little while.

A while back my friend Carrie, who is living here in Xela, described her experiences of living somewhere long term and speaking a non-native language. The ways in which it can change ones personality. Her experience is certainly much more intense than mine and I think she does a great job of describing what it feels like to have these changes running through one's brain. (If you want to read what she wrote scroll down to November 1st)

Small Talking

Yesterday, after being in Xela two weeks, I finally got around to paying a visit to the family that Chris and I lived with for six weeks as well as the school that we attended the last time we were here. I have been dreading it in no small way but everytime I speak to Chris he harrasses me (just a little) to the point that I knew I couldn´t put it off any longer. Plus the I'm sick excuse was become overused, even to myself. So in keeping with my new year's resolution that I am going to stop avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable I headed out, braced to make some small talk with people I hadn't been in touch with for over a year.

I am not sure why I was so reluctant to make these visits. I suppose a part of me was worried they wouldn't remember me (very akward). I know a big part was worried that I wouldn't be able to understand what they said to me (a little less akward). But really it is just that I hate that small talk conversation that never amounts to anything of much substance.

Anyone who knows me has heard me rant about how much I hate small talk. I hate the akwardness. I hate the raking my brain for what to say next. Now multiple this by about a gizillion and you can begin to imagine how much I hate small talk in spanish. There is still a limited breadth to how I can phrase things in Spanish when trying to hold a conversation that flows faster than a tortoise pace.

But in the end, after all that worry, it all went okay. As I mentioned in a previous post, Guatemaltecans are an extremely gratious and friendly people. Sheny, my former homestay mother, just kept repeating how happy it made her that that I had come to visit. She even invited me back next week for a very special lunch with the entire family.

Things were much the same at the school. Though perhaps made a little testy by the fact that I opted to study at another school. (Well really only the directora seemed to care about that) The teachers greeted me with many hugs and questions about my life in Australia and Chris. My head was spinning trying to get my spanish words out fast enough to answer their inquiries.

Funny how two situations that I was dreading turned out to be absolutely heart warming.

To Be Or Not To Be

Every language has its subtle nuances or better said the things that make one want to yank their hair out in frustration while trying to master these grammatical hurdles.

In spanish there are two verbs to express ´to be´. This is basic stuff. We are talking first week of classes material. But it continues to plague me to this day.

One verb is used to describe characteristics. She is blonde. The house is yellow. The other for conditions. The door is open. I am in the park.

Seems simple right? And I really do think I have a grasp of the basics. I know being happy is a condition and being tall is a characteristic. But then we come to yesterday when in the midst of a lengthy exercise when my brain is thinking of about a dozen grammatical concepts I translated the sentence ¨the house is haunted´ using the wrong verb. Apparently it is a condition not a characteristic. Personally I still think it could go either way.

My teacher then proceeds to tell me that it is obvious I don´t really understand this utterly basic concept. I couldn´t decide if I wanted to cry, punch my teacher in the head, tear up all my notes or run screaming from the school. Perhaps a combination of all four. Instead I opted for yet another cup of coffee and settled myself back at my desk for another three hours of banging my head over these subtle nuances.